We are on day 3 of homeschooling and I have decided that I am in dire need of finding my mind again, have you seen it?
Imagine adopting 3 kids all at once, 3 kids with a past and a life and behaviours that aren’t always conducive to learning. So, here you go, have 3 kids, plus the original 3, throw in a myriad of severe learning disabilities and you have the last 3 days of my life right there in a nutshell. Or just a nut.
Previously, homeschooling wasn’t easy, we worked at what was needed and got there in a short few days, into a nice, snug, routine’ish sort of deal. And it wasn’t just me, the girls contributed greatly to that framework so that we could work together, even when we adopted our first as a newborn, they helped work it out so we weren’t overwhelmed and still had that love of learning that kept us going.
Today the toxicity levels grew too much and I had to intervene in stuff I’ve never had to before (how’s that for elusive wording? Sheesh this privacy thing is going to be hard ). I’ve had tears shed each of the 3 days and it wasn’t even from me. The negativity was so strong that my mind – and my fingers on the Internet – searched out if I’ve chosen the wrong route in this situation and even checked into schools in the area. It’s so hard to know ya know? How do I truly decide if I am the best teacher for all of them or just some of them? I can talk through it rationally and logically with two kids, and they are both open to continue homeschooling whilst sending off a few siblings, who quite possibly need way more than I can give them. In fact I count my blessings every day that those two are who they are as I think they’ve helped me more than they could possibly realize (and I must make sure they absolutely know that too!).
I can spew vomitously onto this page without regret, but I sure can’t screw up a whack of kids with no regret. I know they all like the idea of homeschooling but to actually sit and do something productive is like pulling Lego out of their grips. Super duper difficult.
Will sending a select few to school label them as the outsiders? I think that’s what I fear the most is that the bonds we’ve been forming will be a teeny bit scarred if I send them on. It may even feel like a punishment for them instead of the break I need and the teaching they need.
Perhaps that’s it. I just need a break for a while enough to recuperate into the whiz of a homeschool family that I dreamed of. Or perhaps I could just scratch that dream and make a new one.
Dream a new dream.