Her secret identity is safe with me
07 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in adoption, adoption obsession, Thought Vomit Tags: adoption, Alberta Adoption, closed adoption, open adoption
I’ve been wondering how to start this really. A lovely lady has started up a round table discussion. It’s a big group of people on all sides of the adoption table ringing in on a posted topic. We then submit a link and it’s a great place for newbies in the adoption circle to go for opinions, true life stories, etc. I’ve never participated before because the topics have never sparked anything within me. They’ve never set off anything because we are not even remotely in an open adoption. I would love to be, but his birth mom didn’t want to. I was even tempted to take the colourful tag said above sweet lady has on open adoption to post on my blog in support, but it doesn’t feel right for me to take it just because it’s something I want. I guess lucky number seven is my number because this topic lit up my brain immediately.
Three years ago we were on a mission to adopt. Most of you who read adoption blogs already know most of the ins and outs of the adoption paper trail, but ours was a little different than the dossiers you usually read about, or the letters to the first mom. Ours was very basic in comparison. We did a criminal record check, a social services check, a medical check, pictures of each of us (including our kids and the house too), our marriage certificate (which they notarize a copy), and the basic general information sheet saying who we are. Then of course came the giant fill-in-the-blank questionnaire that we completed before the homestudy, and then the homestudy itself. It all seemed almost surreal at how sparsely invasive it all was into our lives. Our paperwork was into the office mid-January and we were in the system, officially waiting, by June.
In all that mess of paperwork, in all that kuffuffle dealing with more social workers than I would ever want to see in my lifetime, nothing prepared me, or us, for anything remotely open in adoption. But, considering I’m a serious reader and a bit of a book geek, I had read all I wanted to on the topic and was anxiously waiting, no, I was seriously anticipating being able to connect to my future child’s birth mom.
When we got the call for Elijah, well, it’s hard to describe really. We were shell shocked that it was going to happen in 4 days. We had a mere 4 days to prepare for this. I knew it wasn’t enough time to bond with his birth mom, so when we were informed that she wouldn’t hold him, didn’t look at him, and wants absolutely no contact, I was, well devastated. Not crying-myself-to-sleep devastated, but left wondering about what was to happen next. Lost. I mean closed adoptions were supposed to be a thing of the past. No longer will doctors force well meaning, yet extremely poor parents to give up their child. No longer are young women sent away, hidden, to have their baby and to relinquish any rights to another couple. It has always been in my mind that it was the system, the adoptive families and other people pushing the closing of any contact between such uniquely blended families.
So when I found out that she had made such a request, it threw me completely off. I still dream about her and she never has a face, and she’s always walking away. I wanted to much to know her and thank her for what she’s done for us and let her know how much I respect her. I still do. When that was taken from me, I thought I could blog about it.
But here’s where the round-table talk comes in. How can I spew my thought vomit about another person completely and still say I respect her? How could I possible tell-all to the entire world (ok, to the 8 people who come here regularly 
) and still say we’re in a closed adoption?
I can’t. I can’t seriously post a single thing about her, or our, situation that would in any way harm her. We can speculate all we want amongst ourselves – ‘we’ meaning dh and I – about why she made the decision we did, but we cannot share that priviledged information with anyone. It’s not just my information, or even just her information. It’s my son’s information too. Does the whole world need to know the intimate details of his birth or why he was in the hospital for 2 weeks more? No.
The round-table discussion question was: “Where do you draw the lines–on your blog and in your personal life–and why? What, if anything, don’t you tell?”
The line is blurry sometimes, and occasionally, dh has been known to cross it and not really considered it a problem. But my line is more defined, I have an easier time not discussing the situation IRL, unlike my blog. I keep telling myself that it is not my story to tell, and I loathe gossip, so I find it easy to halt any nosiness from even the most well-meaning friends and family. They do mean well, and are really just curious, but they truly don’t need to know if she was a drug addict or if the guy was in the picture.
What don’t I tell? If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Her super secret identity will always be safe with me.
